I never jumped off the high dive... for several reasons: 1. I wasn't convinced I'd survive the fall, 2. I wasn't convinced my swimming skills would get me to the edge, 3. the lights in the pools were demons who were watching my every move, and 4. the drain would suck me down and hold me there. Plus, to me water is just eerie. So ya, I'm fearful.
I made a decision several years ago that I wouldn't let fear rule my decisions. So I studied abroad in Oxford, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I moved to Prague to teach and live for a year. I started a grad program to become a teacher. And now I graduate this Spring and need to find a job. Take a second and pity all of us who are graduating in this glorious "new economy".
ok. thanks.
I could let fear overtake me now, but I'm trying really hard not to. I really do believe I'll be exactly where I should be come Labor Day, whether it's a school in Portland, a job in another city, in another state, in another country.
I kind of think I'll always be fighting fear. Fear of rejection, fear of never having a family, fear of making the wrong decision. I'm glad I have people around me who are doing courageous things like raising children, fighting for a good marriage, serving the poor around the world, teaching kids in all ranges of poverty levels, feeding the homeless, dating online .. it's all just life. I don't know why it surprises me when it's hard.
Neither the hair shirt nor the soft berth will do. The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace. -Frederick Buechner
2 comments:
That was beautiful Beks. You should be a writer or a poet. Love you sis.
I was just thinking about fear the other day, and how God may intentionally take us to the place of our deepest fear, so that He can show us that He is able and willing to deliver us from it. When we choose to enter those scary places, we learn that we can do things far beyond what we imagined, and we come to love God as He shows up and delivers us.
You have modeled that for me with the choices you have made, and your friendship and example have helped me take some huge steps of faith this past year, Beks. I'm trying to think of an appropriate way to celebrate that ... skydiving?
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