And then I moved to Europe. and I became a raging liberal. Ok, not really.. but ya kind of.
I found a church in Prague that I LOVED. It was small, the pastor noticed when I wasn't there (which was quite often), I had friends at church and I had friends who thought I was crazy for going to church. I remember my co-worker/friend Kata (Katie) tell me "Czechs don't believe in God. We believe in ourselves". I guess decades of communism will do that to a generation.
But I believed in God. And I had the same convictions I had when I was scared I'd mess up and make God look bad. But now I was going to church because I wanted to meet God. And when I wanted to go to church so people thought I was a good Christian, I went to a movie or H&M instead. I wasn't going to let what I thought others thought of me rule me.
I don't read Christian books. I like fiction better and I like to read to be lost in a story. So when I finally read a Christian book, what do I choose? Angry Conversations with God: A Snarky but Authentic Spiritual Memoir by Susan E. Isaacs. Ha! Obviously. I read it until 4am this morning and it made me cry. Her angry conversations with God are conversations with her skewed perception (we all have our own) of who God is. I don't wanna give anything away but in the end she included this scripture:
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. -Hab. 3:17-19
I don't have any grand conclusions, just the knowledge that my view of God has changed, and that changes everything.
5 comments:
lots to think about. i don't know what to say but thanks for your honesty and for sharing where you're at.
(I don't know if this a coincidence or what but the little word verification I have to type in below in order for it to publish my comment is "truth". ha.)
I hope I didn't bring you down. I was wanting to be honest.. it's been an interesting road and I feel like I'm still finding how to relate to God. Definitely not done though. and while I don't have "angry conversations with God", I think dialogue IS so important.
good for you bex. i think god would much rather have us be honest about how we felt (even if this involves cursing, being mad and/or resentment) - instead of playing those little church games that say nothing about who he is. we all arent perfect little cookie cutter christians - and im glad you dont want to pretend you are. its some hard stuff to wade through - but its worth it. and then when you come through on the other side - you just arent comfortable with the grossness that has become the norm. prague changed a lot of us - for the better i think. and im not sure if we will ever find another church that is as real as PCF. at least i havent in my life. i think this is one of the things that makes you my BFF - how real you are. I hope you dont become one of those church-goes who questions nothing and lives the perfect little life. ill keep praying for you to be uncomfortable. isnt that what friends are for? :) love ya.
thanks for your comment, Will. I think David had all kinds of honest conversation with God, from being angry, frustrated and disappointed to being in total awe. I think we can do the same, and we should be honest with one another.
Thanks, Bekah. :) I look forward to reading this and talking about it with you!!
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